Comments on: The baubles he brings, part 2

By: Erin

Erin — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:00:51 +0000

Rhonda, I’m happy to meet you and even happier to read your comments. We can only learn from one another Here’s what I think about gifts. I think there’s a difference between accepting a gift and EXPECTING a gift, a specific gift, a gift by which you’re going to judge him, a gift by which your friends and family will judge him. See the difference? If it makes him happy to give, to know that he made you smile with his gift, then there can’t be anything wrong with that. But I think K’s point was if you get tangible, physical things but you don’t get HIM, that’s a problem. That’s when the gifts become meaningless. The most precious gift is the gift of time spent, shared experiences that could be as mundane as making dinner or just chillaxin’ on the sofa together. These are the things that stand out like beacons in my own mind, not the gifts.

By: RhondaJ

RhondaJ — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:34:50 +0000

Oh yeah…I do SO agree about the gift-giving and self worth. But, I did read a book once about the Five Languages of Love…and one of the languages is gift-giving. If that is a person’s language and we cannot accept the gifts freely with happiness and love, then we are turning that person’s love away, and it hurts them when we do not accept openly. I did this without knowing. I did not want the nice things he gave me, and I would always tell him not to spend so much on me or would not let him take me shopping for this or that. I only wanted his time. Does this make sense? Eventually, he was gone from my life too. But I am ok about THAT for other reasons!

By: RhondaJ

RhondaJ — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:27:42 +0000

Brilliant blog! I am new here, but have so enjoyed your topics. I have been single for 9 years, after a 20 year marriage. Your friend K is a genius. In all my singularity, and searching for Mr. Forever, I have never even thought to watch how he treats waiters and drivers as a relationship indicator! My last 3 year relationship was seemingly perfect in the beginning, but became unhealthy and ultimately died. He was demanding and critical of all waiters and expected every driver to drive according to his handbook. It becasme painful to be in the car with him. (And we live in Houston!) I cringed at both of these things about him, but allowed them and accepted them as his reaction to the stress of being a lawyer. Now, looking back, after reading your post, I can see clearly that even I had to serve him properly and according to his “ways.” I had to be the perfect driver to drive his way. As I said, the relationship died…..but K is right on as this being a primary indicator. Wow. How slow am I to figure this out! LOL!
I shall continue to read, and learn!

By: ChrisC

ChrisC — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 13:15:01 +0000

yep-there’s a man in my house.I don’t NEED him here;But I WANT him here.There is a world of difference between need and want.
yep-he is usually a true pain in the ass,a slob,a pack-rat,tending towards lazy,has to have hot sauce or ketchup on everything he eats,……I could go on and on.But he is kinda neat to have around.
But someday,I’d like to have a house with light colored furniture.

By: gail

gail — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 01:40:49 +0000

Low self esteem in more than just pitiable, it can be devastating. I have known my share of women who so needed ‘any man’ that they literally pimped their young daughters in order to keep mama’s boyfriend around the house. I have seen women give character testimony in favor of men who raped their children. I know it’s an extreme, but it is a slippery slope from ‘needing’ flowers or jewelry to that ugly shift of priorities that can bring a whole family down. Loving a man for what wealth he can give us is often the opposite of loving him for his character. The bottom line is always that if the man isn’t worth it, the gifts aren’t worth it either.

By: Erin

Erin — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 22:48:06 +0000

I can’t wait for my “any man” installment either… it doesn’t exist yet, not even as a twinkle in my eye! LOL

By: Gayle

Gayle — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 18:50:42 +0000

K brings up some interesting points, and I think you are right about the connections you made with gift giving/receiving to the old days.

I’m glad I’m different. Gift receiving has never (and still doesn’t) matter to me. I could care less what I have, what I receive or who gives it to me. I’m the kind of person who likes to give gifts. I love to make others feel good although you are right, gifts should not be associated with self-worth and too often they are.

And I don’t need a man to feel self-worth. Thank God. I guess I wouldn’t look upon you with pity for being alone. It’s not such a bad choice. In fact, I’m kind of difficult and crabby at times. I’d probably be better off alone, I like to do my own thing. Relationships for me stemmed out of my burning desire to have children. It’s always been about the babies which is why my first marriage failed because the children were never and are not important to him.

You are so right, it is about the company. I can’t wait for the “any man” installment. I’m really enjoying reading your thoughts and insights.